I don’t know how it happened really. I wasn’t doing it on purpose. It just kind of happened. It wasn’t planned either. I was really surprised that I lost weight because I wasn’t cutting back on anything. Eating everything (salty foods, sugary sweets… you name it) in moderation. So, I guess whatever I was doing for the past month wasn’t enough. I know it’s just half a pound, but… I know I have the tendency to loose weight really fast.

So what did I do? Called my Nutritionist right away, told him what was going on, and asked for a suggestion. Most of the time I like his suggestions, but this one I definitely aren’t fond of. He recommends I try Boost (again). During my many months of being in treatment, I drank sometimes three Boost (it’s a high calorie nutritional supplement used in Eating Disorder centers to help patients either gain or maintain their weight) a day. It was horrible. Anyways… because I am back on the Boost plan, it feels like a step backwards in my own recovery. Because I have been stable with my weight for several months now, and suddenly I slip, it feels like Boost isn’t being used what it’s main purpose is. I just remember having to drink Boost because I was severely underweight and because I didn’t finish my meal. It’s not that I can’t finish my meal. Because, I was told… and I don’t necessarily believe it, that if I go on the The B plan for a week, that I should be able to gain what I lost back.

It’s not that the half a pound freaks me out. It’s the gaining part. I don’t want to gain anymore than I need to. I’ve already been through the whole gaining/re-feeding process before. I don’t need to go down that road, again. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to drink the Boost, however part of the Boost plan is to have an extra grain during my afternoon snack. I never do well with extras. They always mess me up mentally, but I need to learn to deal with them better instead of resorting to unhealthy behaviors (nor will I mention them).

There are two drinks in the fridge. If I can drink one of them (tonight), I win.

I’ve been working at the hospital for five weeks now. Registering new patients, registering patients for pre-op, doing ledging sheets for pre-op, and of course… doing a bit of everything in between everything else that happens on a daily basis. Because I’m on the opposite side of the fence (not being the patient and being someone who is a Healthcare professional), everything is so different. It’s not difficult for me to remember what it was like being a kid and spending part of my childhood in a hospital preparing for operations on my feet. No matter what the situation is, I always try and bring a smile to a patient’s face when I am registering them, or simply… engaging in conversation.

Working at hospital reminds me so much of “Grey’s Anatomy”. However, the situations that happen on that show could never happen in a real hospital. Well, maybe they do… and I just don’t know about it, or that it happens behind closed doors. I say that my job is like the show because most important conversations happen indeed, in an elevator. Always being surrounded by patients it’s nearly impossible to have a private conversation, no matter what the topic is. I almost prefer to take the elevator rather than walking around the hospital to get to where I need to go. And it’s not that I travel to many locations either. Most of the time, I’m on the elevator walking to Ambulatory Surgery to grab empty binders to start a patient’s chart, or walking to the area where all the smokers congregate (I don’t smoke, and I think it’s disgusting) because it’s the closest almost private area to escape from the patients.

Today was probably one of the more frustrating days. I must note that I’ve had an undiagnosed sinus infection for the past five weeks (and the idiot who I saw last week in the hospital’s walk-in clinic told me what I had was allergies, and told me to take Sudafed and nasal spray), and most of the time I’m just going through the motions at work. It’s tough because I have constant congestion, a headache that I’ve had since Sunday, and I’ve been so rundown that I drink coffee at work frequently.

Anyways, just a few days ago my trainer taught me how to move the date of a pre-op booking sheet. The whole process really confuses the heck out of me, and aside from the point, I really didn’t understand it, even though she explained it several times. Of course, I’m getting frustrated because I had three booked moved (that’s what they are called) booking sheets to do, and the previous booked moved booking sheet took me twenty minutes just to hello, find the freaking chart in the chart room (and they are never in the spot where they should be)… and if it’s not there, basically go on some kind of manhunt as if I’m looking for America’s most wanted criminal. But no matter what, you have to find the chart before you can make any changes. So it’s frustrating. To spend ten to fifteen minutes looking for a chart, which most likely has been put in the wrong place according to date, and I just hate this, because no matter what… make it easy on the doctors and nurses who have to find a patient’s chart, because… not like I have the time to spend looking. I just want it in my hands without going crazy looking for it, and feel like an idiot if I overlooked it.

Aside from the charts and looking, everything else that I have been trained on has come pretty easy for me. At the moment, I’m not required to know the medical terminology (and I learn about crazy procedures from the show, no lie), but I do occasionally look up the words of the procedure in a medical dictionary, just for my own personal benefit. Also, because I know me… I know that learning how to change the date of a booked moved will take longer than the rest. And it’s not that my trainer, or my training for that matter, is really focused on my struggles, because I don’t think it’s so realistic for me to “get it” in one swoop. I’m not a robot, but I think they think I am.

Well, whatever. Even if the day stinks, I’m getting paid to deal with random shit.

“All Smiles” (A Portrait)
29 April 2008

Simply amazing. He surprised me with a “birthday button” that I got to wear for the entire trip while guests and Cast Members wish and sing Happy Birthday to me on a moments notice. I felt so special, however my real birthday isn’t until the end of the month. In fact, I plan on wearing that button on the day of my real birthday so watch out!

Our days were very busy. Hitting two parks in a day, doing lots of walking, and trying to see as many things as possible before we hit up our second park for that day. Even though it was really warm outside, we didn’t hit the water parks. Nor I or Chris wanted to fry in the Orlando sun. We thought about it on Monday, however it was 88ºF outside, and once you’re in the sun for about an hour, it almost becomes unbearable.

My favorite ride of the trip was at Animal Kingdom called Everest. The ride is sick. I love a little bit of thrill (I don’t mind going upside down, but this one did not do that), and this ride definitely had it. Everest was great because… I don’t want to spoil it, but it was a blast. Chris and I would watch “Everest: Beyond The Limit” show and the show itself played a part in the ride. Nothing about the ride is fake. It’s all real, except maybe the part about the Yeti.

I want to share a story with you. Today I had a patient. I have patients that I register, so many of them, on a daily basis, and no matter what, I always try and make a connection with them right from the get go. It becomes more of a personal relationship rather than “hi, I’m registering you today as a new patient”.

She was in her early sixties. Instantly, I complimented her on her handbag. It was a genuine compliment. She loved my cardigan that I just purchased the night before (on sale) at J. Crew. With my warm smile and loving personality, I knew she instantly felt comfortable with me, even though towards the end of her registration, I almost felt hopeless inside because I knew she was sick, and that I physically couldn’t do anything to change her situation.

Once I asked, “do you have any allergies to food, medications or latex” her first response was “no”. Her husband corrected her and reiterated that I asked if she had any allergies to medication. My patient, became upset. She told me that she didn’t remember that part and apologized for not remembering. I told my patient that it’s really okay that she didn’t remember, I said that I ask a variety of questions, and that I don’t expect any one of my patients to have all the answers. Right there and then, she new it was “okay” with me not to know and told me afterwards that this was the reason why she was here.

I guess, really… I can’t change the way her brain is formatted. Or why she has short term memory problems. However, what I then realized after I directed her in the right direction of her appointment, that I have an impact. I have an impact on my patients so powerful that either they feel welcomed and at ease, or they feel uncomfortable and just can’t wait to leave. But, if I succeed, make them feel comfortable, and leave my chair with a smile, I succeeded. I succeeded did my job.

It’s tough though. I was reminded of the time, towards the end of her life, where Grandma was unable to make simple decisions. No matter what you said to her, whether it was “do you like the weather” or “what is your favorite food” it didn’t register. Nothing registered. It still troubles me how, I, her granddaughter, couldn’t help her situation. Now that I work in health care, and sit on the opposite of the fence, it’s all a very different perspective. It was her, my patient, that reminded me of Grandma’s struggles.

It’s just one of those things. That you never want to encounter, say you’ve dealt with and have to watch that special something just slip out from under your fingers.

Don’t even ask me how I’m feeling. Because I can’t say that it’s a good or a bad feeling. I just know that the way I am feeling this very moment is one that could literally, make me sleep on the floor, if necessary. It’s not that I’m sick. It’s more of like my wonderful immune system that is supposed to protect me from germs, has so nicely decided to attack itself and make me feel like concrete.

I feel horrible. Everything about the word describes how I feel. Not too long ago, I decided to go try and rest before dinner. But as soon as I hit the sheets, I feel as if there is a pile of bricks sitting on my chest. Unbearable to sleep, difficult to get comfortable, and the worst part? hard to just rest and stop thinking. Stop thinking that I know I feel horrible, that I wish I could breathe, that I wishing there was a more even mix of the cherry Luden cough/throat drops because well, those are great (and there aren’t, and I’m just left with fruity strawberry).. and it’s bad. I can barely speak, and when I do, it’s not that you can hear me talk. My voice is so hoarse. I hope I don’t loose my voice.

I have a tissue jammed up into my left nostril. It’s like a leaky faucet. Either I’m stuffed up, or that I have a runny nose, or some combination of the two. But whenever I blow my nose, it’s like hurricane force winds. Well, whatever is attacking my system, I kindly suggest that you stop please, and I’m asking nicely, because I start my new job at the Clinic tomorrow. And it’s important.

I hope you’re listening.