I’ve been there. The point of scary skinny. OK, yes, I’ve been scary skinny but now I’m healthy skinny. And there’s a difference. A big difference. Between someone who’s barely eating compared to eating regular sized meals six times a day, and this includes snacks. But no matter what the case is, or whom the person is, I always wondered at what cost is being skinny to you? Or to them.

Tonight on the season finale of “The Biggest Loser” Season 8, I saw many eliminated contestants. A lot of them looked incredible. So incredible that I barely recognize the “new” them. However, one of the crazed eliminated contestants, Tracey, reminded me of my past. The past of where I did whatever the fuck I could at that very moment to be skinny. And skinnier, and skinner, but at what cost? I knew that if I didn’t stop loosing the weight, I wouldn’t be sitting here in my comfortable bedroom, writing this entry. But seriously woman, at what point can you just stop loosing the weight and be healthy?! I know that a lot of these diet oriented and weight loss oriented shows are all about the grand prize. The grand prize should not be money. Money can bring out the worst in people. Money makes people do crazy things, and sometimes things that aren’t the healthiest for them. In this case, loose weight.

Every season on “The Biggest Loser”, there are eliminated players who can compete for an at home prize. It’s like, I really wonder.. what, if any.. food some of the contestants eat while still competing for a money prize. Why, why why… can’t the “prize” be gaining back your life?! Gaining back your health. But I gotta say, this Tracey chick, she’s a crazy woman. She did whatever she could during her time on the show to gain control. Control, same with money, is one of those things. It will kill you.

Shit, I controlled everything that I ate. Everything. Counted every calorie. Wrote it down, tracked all of it… and for what, for what?! For practically laying on my hello, death bed, in a hospital, that I didn’t even think I was going to leave.. seriously, but for what?! What did me grasping so much control, for everything that I ate, do for me?! I know there’s a point where you just gotta stop, but when?!

Scary skinny isn’t sexy.

I’m a talkative person. I could have a conversation with a tree if I wanted to. I’m sure I could think of different questions to ask the tree, such as how he (my tree is a guy by the way) deals with the harsh temperatures of Massachusetts and if he gets annoyed when heavy individuals lean up against him. Is he ever afraid that he’ll just crack in half? OK, I sound crazy, but moving on. I can talk. I mean, I can talk. I’ve been in all these various positions where I’ve had to make connections. Working in Retail, trying to sell the latest fashion look or that makeup crap, I had to know how to pick words and make everything come out of my mouth sound fab, even if I knew deep down that the clothing/makeup wouldn’t help/change/fix their issue. Sometimes you gotta lie, and I did it quite well.

Regardless, I’m now in a predicament where I can’t talk.

I’ve got Laryngitis and Bronchitis. Three medications later including an inhaler, a medication that has codeine that I swear knocks me on my ass every time I take it, and some anti-inflamatory drug, I think I’m set. To make things even funner (I know it’s not a word, so shut up), I can’t have a sip of alcohol on these drugs. It’s going to be at least a few days until I can have wine or beer or whatever. Big fun.

On a windy and cold Tuesday afternoon, somewhere around 4pm at a local Starbucks while I was waiting for my too complicated drink with too many customizations that I can barely pronounce, I noticed a poster on the community board. The poster, I can’t believe I didn’t see it earlier, but it was for a 5k Turkey Trot on Sunday, November 22. Immediately I was in intrigued, simply because I enjoyed my first one, and thought of participating in a second one before the Winter truly comes.

At first I’ve got that “can I do it/am I ready” mentality. It’s not like I was ever “ready” for my first 5k. It was something I trained my body for. I combined my cardio workouts with Yoga and mixed it up. It wasn’t that I had some trainer telling me how to train, but I was able to read blogs like Chic Runner and Le Petite Athlete and get ideas of how they prepared their own bodies for a race (or maybe a marathon). It wasn’t that I had something concrete to go off of. It was looking at various blogs as the ones I’ve mentioned here, and taking it from there.

Therefore… with what time I’ve got, I have decided to participate in yet another 5k. It just over two weeks away and my goal for this training is simple. To increase my miles by adding one additional mile each workout. On average, I log about 1mi per workout, sometimes it’s a bit more, it varies, but really… I need to “practice” logging a easy 2mi. Today I was able to walk 2mi without any difficulty. However, I must state that for the Turkey Trot I have the option of running or walking. I’m doing a combination of both.

I choose what I do, and this is my choice to run.

I’m becoming a runner. Yes, a runner.

To be honest, I’ve never been a fitness junkie or someone who enjoyed working out. I guess the thing of it really is, that I hadn’t yet discovered a workout that felt good on the outside and the inside. I stuck to the regular routines of simply the treadmill and the occasional group class at my once then gym that I no longer am a member of. But regardless, I hadn’t found my thing. I’ve tried classes like Spinning, Zumba (I love to dance), Bikram Yoga (too challenging for me), and whatever program I read in “SELF” magazine. No matter what it was of the moment, I never stuck to it. However, I still practice Yoga, but not of the Bikram kind, but I practice Vinyasa at home with a wonderful DVD I purchased awhile back.

However, I must proudly announce, that I have taken up running. Running to me, in the beginning of the whole “maybe I should try running” seemed like an impossible task. I’ve never ran or tried to run for anything. In high school I played Volleyball and Tennis. Some of our group workouts included running and oh did I hate that! Because I wasn’t as a fast as my peers. Ironically enough, I still would focus on the “go faster” mentality to only learn and fully realize, that running as fast as I can, for myself as a beginner, is not a good idea. There are have been a few times where I’ve tired myself out to the point of where the workout itself becomes too much, and I stop instantly without even giving it a second try.

Hence, I’ve decided to start a blog segment called The Running Diaries. Throughout The Running Diaries, I’ll document my experiences through trying to become a runner, which may include tweets during my runs, or maybe photos! of my journey. To mix it up, and to add a bit of challenge to it, I’ve created a The Running Diaries on dailymile for beginner runners to challenge themselves, to see which participant of the group can run the most distance.

The Running Diaries for me is more about a personal challenge. I’ve been struggling a lot lately to try and even run 1mi. But today, I accomplished that task. Yes, I had to alternate between bursts of running followed by walking. You may not consider that “running”, but I do. At least I didn’t throw in the towel and say forget it!

Last but not forgotten I want give thanks to fellow runner bloggers who have inspired me to continue in this crazy, yet exciting journey of becoming a runner: Chic Runner and Le Petite Athlete. I love reading about their own personal journey through running, but also health and fitness. There are so many days (for example today) where I just didn’t care enough to run, but I decided to skim a few past entries and thought “just go, don’t look back” and I went. I was able to complete something that I’ve never been able to do before. If you’re a beginner runner and just like me, struggle to run 1mi, I suggest you start your own The Running Diaries blog series within your own blog. You just might surprise yourself when your reflect on what you’ve been able to accomplish even when you thought you couldn’t.

I choose what I do, and this is my choice to run.

Sometimes life gets in the way. Sometimes it’s unexpected. Sometimes you can predict it. Other times it just throws you completely off board, but once it’s over you feel refreshed in side. Who knew that an unexpected change could bring everything connected to you, and see it in a different light.

Recently, on September 27, 2009 I completed my first 5K. It was an amazing experience. I never thought I’d actually be able to walk 3.11 miles in one swoop (however, my lovely Nike+ companion logged exactly 3.93 miles). It was great. I had my boyfriend of nearly two and a half years by my side doing it with me. There were times that I wanted to give up, throw in the towel and move on. But I had to complete it for me. Just to prove to myself that I can do anything, even in times of doubt. These are the life changes that are so eye opening.. and there’s more.

Going back to college for Early Childhood Education has been amazing. It’s crazy, just crazy, to think that the second time around for a college experience that I’d feel alive in what I’m studying. Sure, studying Graphic Design at Mount Ida College was great, I loved the ability to be so creative, but after I graduated my dreams of being an artist weren’t in the near future. I tried out a few different roles in the same industry (Retail), but never felt like I belonged. I was able to use my creativity when I styled clients at J. Crew, brought out the inner beauty of young women (and sometimes men!) with Origins, and the final departure with a once then ever so booming mineral makeup company. I did the whole Retail thing for a total of five years, but again when things changed – including the economy, I was laid off.

The experience brought on new opportunities and experiences. For example, deciding it was the perfect time to go back to college where my studies would help me grow my new founded career to new heights. Could I have imagined that just in January I’d be laid off, and embark on something completely different by taking a role as an Assistant Teacher with a very, very small day care? No. Could I have imagined that it this point, exactly, that I would have ever dreamed of a huge promotion with a new company be offered to me that I can say, confidentially, I can leave my employer in the dust? No. But it’s true.

The hardest part of it, honestly, is leaving the kids. And the connections behind. I’m delivering the so-called news to my employer this afternoon, and I know it will come as a shock because I play the part of Happy Cristina at all times, sometimes overly happy, but it’s part of the gig. Was I ever happy? No. Sometimes I’d have three shots of espresso in my Starbucks that gives me an extra jolt, but it’s fake. But what isn’t fake is my connection and desire to work with these young children. I’m not ready at this point to break the news to my other coworkers, except one parent who is also a coworker of mine, who’s son is in my classroom and I’ve been taking care of him since March. It won’t be easy. Because these kids, as young as they are, depend on their Miss Cristina being there.

It’s the being there that will be tough. The absence of me will be tough. But that’s life. People come, people go, but not all of them are truly missed. I’ve thought over and over again of how to tell my coworker with her son in my classroom. Every morning she brings her son to me so she can have a smooth drop-off, and go to her classroom to teach her kids. On the flip side, I can’t take the whole thing personal because I chose this decision to leave, and my current employer can not provide me the opportunity and the package of my soon-to-be employer.

I’m finished. Get ready darlings, it’s a new beginning. Well deserved.

Lately, I’ve become very active. I’m working out 4-5 days a week, going for run/walks, taking classes at the gym, and practicing Yoga an average of 3-days a week. I’m becoming a runner. Don’t be concerned! I started off my running with 30-minute intervals of running followed by 2-minutes of walking. I’ve since then “graduated”. Now I’m running 1-minute intervals followed by 2-minutes of walking.

One of my fitness goals is to RUN! a 5K. Yes, that’s correct a 5K. Even though this seems like a daunting and challenging task, I am determined to get there. I’ve been told in the past that I can’t run because of my feet, but I’m proving them all wrong. With that said, I’ve decided to take on the task of competing my first 3K this September for a local charity (although, it’s still a 3K but I may do a run/walk if I can’t prep my body enough). I’m excited to train my body for this, and on average I can walk 1-mile in just 15-minutes!

I’m getting there, and making progress with each workout.

I think I’ve always been this way. This way being I never liked the idea of putting foreign chemicals into my body and this includes medication. Yes, I am on some medication, but I’ve had to retrain my mind into thinking “this is healthy for my body” instead of “taking this will harm my body”. For me, I just don’t know, and I haven’t looked it up, into learning more about the long term effects of chemicals (including pesticides) in the body. I’m sure if I started some research, I may not like the findings I find.

Therefore, I’m very concerned with the amount of pesticides in my food. As a preference, I prefer to eat organic foods rather than conventional. Somewhere, on some TV show, I heard that even though you wash the produce that is conventional (as in non-organic) the pesticide still remains on the food, except it’s now in the food. This scares me. I explained my fear to my ever loving boyfriend (were both into fitness and eating healthy), and he agrees. It’s so challenging, almost frustrating at times, to know what is truly organic and what isn’t. Just because something says “organic” doesn’t mean that it is. For safe measure, if I see the USDA organic seal, I trust that the product is organic. However, really… how do you know?

Because of this, I trust that the food I buy at a speciality store like Whole Foods is pure, natural and free of pesticides. True, not all foods there are free of the pesticides, but trust only goes so far. This is something I am going to research. If there are greater benefits of eating simply organic rather than conventional, why not make the switch?

Organic is a matter of preference, and it’s what I prefer.

It takes time. I know that. But some part of me still expects to see results overnight. That the next time I go out for a run, that I won’t struggle, that I won’t have challenges, and that I’ll be able to push myself further than the previous time. Only if life goes the way I, the way we, wanted it to.

I need to learn to be more patient. It’s not that I expect (but sometimes I do, once I get in it) to be able to run for this minute length or what, but I do. I’d like to think that I’m making progress. What I think happens that I get into the run and I’m almost becoming cocky with myself as in look at me, I’m so good! and then… somewhere I fall apart and almost become upset with myself that I couldn’t do it. However, I try and remind some part of myself that it takes time, that I’m getting there.

Since The Running Diaries began, I have since then been able to run for one minute straight. Previously, I’d run for thirty seconds approximately, and walk for a few minutes, maybe like two minutes. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but to me it does. My boyfriend and I were at his gym today, and I tried running on the treadmill. I can’t say I’m a fan, but it was my first time.

I’m getting there, honey. I’m getting there.

Whatever goes on when I’m not at work is my own business. I prefer not to bring my personal life into the workplace. Months later, I’m still not impressed or pleased with the fact that the CEO/Founder of the company I currently work for created a weight loss program for all to participate in. She believed that everyone should take the initiative to be more healthy and eat better, but why does weight loss need to come up? I understand it’s an issue that everyone deals with, but regardless, I’m still the Anorexic. It would of been very different if the weight loss program was introduced in a way of “these are healthy meals/snack” ideas instead of urging centers to work together and loose the weight.

I’m all about support and getting what you need from friends and family, but regardless. Why bring something as personal as someone’s struggle with weight loss into the work place? Dealing with my recovery on a day to day basis was the last thing I wanted to deal with at my workplace. It really bothered me to hear that my coworkers in so many words were pressuring me to participate so we could “win” an organic cooked meal by the founder.

Needless to say, my Mum was concerned. How I’ve worked so hard to maintain my own recovery and that something as innocent as a weight loss program initiative could really steer me in the wrong direction. To this day, I still fear being in treatment because of the situation and really being face to face with your deamons. Because of my hard work and willingness to recover and leave the disorder behind, I have been in recovery. For some time, even after the program was announced, one of my coworkers would always talk about her diet. How much weight she wanted to loose, etc. To be honest with her, I told her my story. As if that wasn’t enough for her, she continued to press the issue asking me how much I weighed, and what I did to become to skinny.

Are you kidding me? Here I am, feeling so exposed, so unsettled… and to have a coworker not take my expression of emotion for what it is, really still pisses me off. I understand that weight is your concern, and that you need to loose it, but why do you need to talk about it with me on a daily basis? I’m sure you didn’t get the hint where I quickly avoided what you said and changed subjects. But that’s your nature. Not to listen to what someone’s telling you and do your own thing.

Why is it that if I’m eating an apple and Greek yogurt that I get asked if that’s all I’m eating? Why is the focus always on once then Anorexic side of myself? Why is that the focus. If I tell my Dietician that I didn’t eat breakfast and he sees that as a pattern, he assumes that I’m restricting. It bugs the shit out of me when I’ve been able to manage this successfully and no matter what, there’s always that shade of doubt.

This is my life, and how I choose to manage it is my own battle.

A few months ago, I decided to give myself a weekly fitness challenge. The fitness challenge is something that I invite you, the reader (yes YOU!) to participate in. The challenge itself can be a small challenge, or something that you’ve wanted to do, but for whatever reason, you’re shy (or another reason) and decide not to do it. But, I insist you give yourself a challenge and not try to do it, but do it.

Here I announce my fitness challenge for the week of August 23: to take a Spinning class. Currently when I hit the gym, Spinning is my workout of choice, just because I get a thrill of seeing how many miles I can peddle, but also the feeling of being on cloud nine, almost a feeling similar to post Yoga workout vibe. See, this challenge, taking the Spin class, is a difficult one for me. I see myself as not having a lot of lower body strength and I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep it. However, I remind myself that it’s my workout, my ride, and I control how far I push my body- even with encouragement from an instructor.

First Spinning class ever, tomorrow (Tuesday, August 25) at 8:15a. Please send me along your words of encouragement as I will quite possibly be contemplating the thought of canceling my Spin reservation. Taking the first step to accomplishing your dream is always the toughest, but just do it.