Not A Number.

03Feb07

The one thing that is most challenging about being in recovery is not focusing so much on my body. I’m the kind of person who notices every little difference, and I could point it out without thinking about it. Maybe that’s not the best thing to focus on, but it’s not that I am doing it unintentionally. It just happens. It’s been stressed so many times to so many people (primary care physican, nutritionist, therapist, the walden outpatient team) that my body image is a huge part of my Eating Disorder. It’s something that is deep rooted since the age of seven, and I hate sounding so negative, but I don’t think it’s really going to change.

Just recently I decided it was best to try on the pants that I wanted to bring with me to Orlando. As a side note, I am leaving tomorrow and I’m super excited. So anyways, I decided to try on this pair of jeans that I wear like literally, all the time. But within the last week I haven’t even bothered to put on anything that I have to zip because I just don’t want to go there. The constant disappointment that yet another pair of pants don’t fit. Since I started treatment, I’ve tossed more than ten pairs of pants because they don’t fit. It’s really frustrating because a pair may fit the first week but not the second, and I sometimes don’t even want to bother. It’s almost like sweatpants have become the standard. Just because I can’t deal.

In the midst of freaking out, the Ed related thoughts of “you’re too fat for these pants anyhow”, “if you lost some weight maybe the pants would fit” started entering my brain. Instead of letting him eat me alive, I said out loud “I am not a number, I am a person. They are just jeans. Just jeans. If they don’t fit, it doesn’t mean that I’m doomed. My weight is going to vary week to week. Don’t cry, don’t panic. Everything will be fine”.

Even though this was days ago, I’m still beating myself up over it.

Filed under: Self-Discovery   |  2 Comments