Tattletale.

11Oct06

In school I was the one to tattletale on the other kids when they did something wrong. But I never admitted to the teacher that I was the one who was wrong. When I was in treatment if I ever used a behavior or had thoughts of hurting myself, I told my case manager. For whatever legal reason, she can’t tell my parents and I really liked that idea. If I was struggling, she knew. I never kept that to myself. Through this process I have learned that even thought telling on yourself what you have done sucks for the most part, it’s important. If your struggling for whatever reason and need help through it, if you don’t tell someone you’re not going to get through it easier. I’m at the place where I feel like I can handle whatever is going on inside of me on my own.

Last night I should of reached out to someone. But I didn’t. Of course, when Ed and my self are fighting in a conversation if I should use a behavior or not, I usually loose. That’s not to say I’m weak or that I don’t give it a fair chance. I do. His voice is so strong when I’m feeling weak I almost have no decision but to listen to him. Ed still reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, Brian. Controlling and maniptulative. When you’re feeling something so strong that all you really can think about is getting rid of the pain, sometimes you get desperate. Thinking of ways to possibly numb yourself. The first idea that comes to mind is the strongest, but not always the best idea. I went with the first idea. Obviously, a dumb decision because this morning I am paying for it. I seriously wonder how I did this four months ago. On the flip side, it felt really good to be numb. At dinner I felt like I was drugged. Sad to say, I know– but it felt very, very good.

The true self in me said it was a good idea to tattletale on myself. And that I did.

Filed under: Self-Discovery   |  4 Comments