The Interview.

17Aug06

Next Monday is an important day. It celebrates (should I even be using that word?) the two-month mark of being in treatment. It’s not something I consider worth “celebrating” and even realizing I used that word, perhaps there’s a better way to say it. However, this process… this journey… this rebirth of self has taught me one very important thing. Whomever you were, or thought you were, you aren’t. You were defined by your Eating Disorder. At least I was. It’s like meeting yourself again. For the very first time. And that itself, is scary. Because I might discover something bad or upsetting about my real self that has been masked because “Ed” (the Eating Disorder) told me so. He wants it that way. He’s been winning for so many years and finally now it’s time for me to take control. It’s amazingly difficult to explain the relationship I have with “Ed”, but I highly recommend anyone– whether your suffering from an Eating Disorder or not, to read “Life Without Ed“.

Relationships. Everday at treament (I’m at a day program five days a week) I’m able to state how I’m feeling. It’s my favorite group during the day. I’m able to try and process my thoughts and recieve feedback from the group. Recently, I compared “Ed” to the relationship I had with my ex-boyfriend, Brian. Brian and Ed are so much alike it’s frightening. Everytime that I questioned my trust with Ed and Brian, both tried to convince me that it would be different. Whether or not this makes sense to a non-sufferer, I’m sure it will click in someone’s mind. Ed is that annoying ex-boyfriend who I loved to hate. He mislead me, made me believe things that were never the way they appeared, and robbed me of myself. I have learned, in any relationship whether it’s romantic or simply friends, I can not and will not let someone take advantage in the way that he had. What more does Ed want? You (and I’m speaking directly to Ed) have robbed me of my real self, my family, my friends, trust from others, and more importantly my health. What more is there to need? He would be very satisfied if I were dead. And honey, that isn’t going to happen.

Self & Body Image. Without really getting into the nitty gritty of my self-image, I truly believe this was stemed from the media, peer pressure and family ethics. Growing up as a little Italian girl, a family function wasn’t complete without food. Food, food, food… a feast times two Thanksgivings was the norm. As an Italian, you were supossed to love food. I, on the other hand, learned very quickly that food is the enemy. Aside from that, my poor body image began to grow at age seven. Just yesterday, I was watching “Oprah”. Hardly ever do I watch her, but the topic was discussing negative children’s body image. And I wanted to literally, reach through the television screen and give Oprah herself, a reality check. It wasn’t that she didn’t understand the meaning behind it, but to hear that a young four year old is concerned with her weight, and needs to diet… is quite alarming. The media itself, as I believe have stated before, glamorizes the thin ideal which is so unattainable that a mere less than one percent of the country can actually acheieve. And we wonder why so many people are depressed. On a more positive note, I am growing to appreciate my body. What I experienced as a young girl being teased for the size of my feet and legs– and to this day am reminded of my experiences when it is commented upon, I must look at it as an achievement. If I were able to, at a young age, fend off those who tried to break me down because I was different, and now handling something so far more intense, this should not determine the outcome of my recovery.

I’m not the same girl that I was nearly two months ago. That girl does not exist. Yes, here and there Ed will be in town, but his visit is unappreiciated. Now, I have learned that Ed was present for so many years because I was unable to figure out ways to cope with my true feelings. One of the easiest ways for me to handle and digest my feelings is to write them out. So far, I have completed two paper journals that I have used to express and document my feelings throughout treatment. I am planning on starting another journal, however with a different approach. Recently, I came across a sketchpad mixed media project. The idea is very innovative. My sketchpad media project will themed towards rebirth. Hopefully it will be thereputic aside from normal writing.

PS: This is probably the longest post ever, and thanks for hanging in there.

Filed under: Self-Discovery   |  8 Comments