Unfinished Sympathy.

22May06

I’ve become depressed. I can honestly say that. I feel as if I’ve lost my core. What grounds me. What keeps me centered. What defines me as a person. The core of my being. It’s not easy to say that. Because you should know who you are. The kind of things you like. What words and characteristics someone would use to describe you. More importantly, how would you describe yourself. And I can’t do that. I can’t tell you the things I like.

Or the words and characteristics someone would use to describe me. Or how I’d even attempt to describe myself. What has become of me before this point is shattered. The way that I’ve viewed myself is shattered. There are peices missing. I can’t tell you which ones. I wouldn’t know where to start. Maybe it all started with the death of my Grandmother last August. Or how the job I loved came crashing down before me with rumors of a merger. Everything I knew and then at the time was attached to me, was in danger.

Of loosing it all.I have lost it all. Literally. It’s been just about a month since I started therapy for an Eating Disorder. It’s not easy. Whatever I was prior before this all happened (or came to the surface and smacked me in the face) I’m not that person now. My Eating Disorder and everything that is attached to it consumes me. I’d like to try and start twenty-six on a positive note, but it doesn’t look that way. Even though I realize that recovery is a long process, I wish it wasn’t.I wish I could just snap my fingers and I’d be cured. I know there’s not a cure for Anorexia, but with the right therapist and treatment, there is hope. Of course, even though I am still in the beginning stages of recovery, I couldn’t imagine continuing on as an Anorexic for the next five years. It’s not pretty. I’ve lost a lot over the years. Relationships, a positive outloook on life and most significantly, hair loss. Having an Eating Disorder is not “trendy”.

Do you honestly believe I’d choose this for myself?

Filed under: Eating Disorder   |  1 Comment