Restart.

06Jul09

Reminding myself that it’s never too late to make a change. That change doesn’t happen overnight. That you must work at it. Because if you don’t work at it, who is going to make the change for you? Nobody but yourself.

I am, once again, restarting my SELF Challenge from the beginning. To be honest, I don’t even know, not even sure, where I left off or if I was really giving it my all. However, I’m giving it what I’ve got. It’s kind of amazing when I think about it, that I’ve worked so hard in recovery that I am capable of making lifestyle changes. Sometimes I wasn’t so sure, but like I’ve said, it doesn’t happen overnight.

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Weighty Issue.

02Jun09

I thought I was over it. I thought it shouldn’t bother me anymore. But for the simple fact the company I work for declared at our staff meeting last night that there’s a wellness challenge, but more importantly a weight loss challenge for three months, “Biggest Loser” style. Of course, the anticipation leading up to the meeting put knots into my stomach as my anxiety had risen. It’s things like this, a not so innocent declaration, that simply put my mind and whole view of recovery, I was questioning myself if I was truly over it.

When coming back from lunch today, I was eating a Fiber One bar. A coworker of mine who inquired about my thinness prior to the meeting, asked me if what I was eating was my lunch. I told her that it wasn’t my lunch, but asked what I ate. It was McDonalds. Later, she told me that what I was eating (the McDonalds, the Fiber One bar, and the Starbucks frappucino) had a lot of calories in it, but wondered how if I eat that, how do I stay thin. My weight, my body issues for me is something so private that because of my triggered state of mind from the previous night, I wasn’t willing to elaborate, but I explained my situation. How I spent eight months in a treatment facility for Anorexia, and how something so innocent as a weight loss challenge, is something that I can’t participate in.

I was so triggered by the thought of someone pressuring me to loose weight in order to support working together as a team. There are other ways a team can work together better and more efficiently than a weight loss competition. The reward for the team who looses the highest percentage of weight loss wins an organic meal cooked by our CEO (she’s very into nutrition, eating organic and a Yogi). Although, the subject of weight loss and body image is one sensitive to many, including myself.

If the company wants to take a wellness initiative, I think it would be better received by it’s employees if complimentary Yoga classes were offered after work, recipes for healthy eating, and providing healthy snacks in our break rooms so were not provoked with the idea of eating something unhealthy. This also goes with eating lunch at a regular hour as well, and not going to break at 3p for an hour. This is not a one size fits all. Also, why bring an issue such as sensitive as this into the workplace?

The last thing I need is a relapse because of something so innocent.

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Change Me.

14May09

When it comes to inner beauty, some of us are just never satisfied. It doesn’t matter how much we change, or exactly what we change, we never feel complete. Some of us go to great lengths to achieve happiness.

Whether it’s a few simple changes (change our style of clothing or color our hair), no matter what, in the back of our minds, there’s the thought that something else needs to change. Especially when it comes to our bodies, everyone has their thing. Those who are overweight wish to be skinny. Those who are of average weight wish to be skinny. On the flip side, those who are were overweight, who lost a significant amount of weight, still wish to be skinny and loose more weight.

But I ponder the question. When is it ever enough? Just the other night I was watching “The Biggest Loser”. I’ve watched this season from the beginning, and of course I have my favorites. I was rooting for Tara to win because I admire her determination. However, a woman named Helen won. Helen started off at 200 plus pounds and now only weighs 117. When looking at her on TV, you can tell she lost a lot of weight. But, why when someone looses a lot of weight and their next to skin and bones, how comes it’s never enough? Why can’t we just stop and be satisfied? Her competitors at the final weigh in, aren’t as skinny almost skin and bones as the winner. They are a healthy skinny, without the image of skin and bones.

There’s something telling you in the back of your head that where you’re at isn’t enough. When is enough enough? It’s the whole thing of being satisfied and knowing when to stop. I really wonder if her personal at home trainers were telling her to loose more weight. At what point is it unhealthy when someone has lost a significant amount of weight but wants to loose more? Maybe it’s an issue of not feeling complete or good enough.

The world needs therapy on this one, seriously.

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Knock You Down.

07May09

It’s hard. To sit there and face your own deamons. It’s not like avoiding them is going to do any good because they’ll just be there, waiting for you, for that moment when you’re ready to deal with them. And it’s not like if you wait any longer, that they are going magically disappear on their own. You must face them whether you want to or not. Because it’s part of what I call the process of Recovery.

For so many years I viewed myself as The Anorexic. The girl who was so torn up on the side but felt pressure to present a different image. That image, the image I wanted to present, was so something unlike what I ever was. I wanted to be popular. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be the It Girl. The one who everyone was friends with and the one who everyone wanted to be their friend. But of course, I wasn’t. I was always sitting on the sidelines just waiting for someone to call my name or for someone to at least pay attention to me.

Somewhere down the line I started to loose control. The daily routine of not eating almost became a mental high, a point of achievement, that I could control my food so much to the point where not eating didn’t bother me. I was able to hide this secret. It was a big secret to the point in which just holding it inside me for so many years (more than ten) was killing me to death. At one point I decided to tell my secret. I told my secret to my aunt. And of course, somehow she knew. In fact, they all knew. I guess I wasn’t being so secretative with my habits. But yet they knew the whole time.

Secrets can kill us. They destroy us. I remember thinking that if kept my secret long enough that I’d be able to achieve the body I always dreamed of: a thin physique that immiated my favorite celebrities. It was they, the “thinspiration” who I looked up to and craved that physique. The physique that the media praised, and in some way, I wanted to be praised for my own thinness.

Recovery is something that I swear, saved my life. It’s a process. It’s not an everyday “oh I did this, and I’m cured” sort of thing. It’s a process. A lengthy one indeed. One that thankful to my hard work and dermination that I don’t have to babysit anymore. I know it’s there, I know that sometimes I need to check in with myself, but something that I can leave it be, and if I need to pull out the tools that I learned while in treatment, I can. But for now, I’m enjoying my life Eating Disordered free. This not to say in any words that I don’t struggle. Because I do. Sometimes it’s the little things like feeling uncomfortable in a t-shirt that is fitted or wearing pants that don’t fit but fit the week prior.

Certainly I’m not perfect, and I’d rather have unique imperfections than none.

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Healthy Beginnings.

30Apr09

Do you ever just get the feeling that all the bad choices you’ve made whether it’s food related or not, that you wish you could instantly erase the bad choices and just start over? That every bad decision could almost be forgotten without punishing yourself for doing that one bad thing (or more?)

Why is it that we must “punish” ourselves for making bad decisions when those decisions shed light into the reasons why we shouldn’t, or the reasons why we may see it differently the second time around? Forget the things you’ve done wrong… and start your healthy beginning.

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